Messed Up Sorting Hat Songs
by Aurora Lynn Rose
Summary: Ahh, messed up sorting hat songs... Gotta love em!!! I was a very hyper little girlie while writing this, yes I was!!! Review and flame if you have no sense of humor! My friends thnik it's funny... *cackles insanely* But those are MY friends, so, you know
1. Thongs and booze... huh?

Drunken Secrets?!?!?!  
  
~~~~~  
  
Hi, I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat  
I know that you don't care  
So I'll just sing this stupid song  
While you just sit and stare  
See, Slytherin was an evil git  
Hufflepuff was a sped  
Ravenclaw was into smart people shit  
But who cares, 'cos now they're all dead.  
Gryffindor, who digged weilding big ruby swords,  
Made me be the person to choose  
Aww, dammit, I forgot the words  
I've got to stop drinking that booze... *everyone stares*  
So, here I've sat for years and years  
Writing song after song  
So try me on, haev no fears  
P.S. Professor Snape wears a thong!!!! *Everyone gawks at Prof. Snape, horrified, while Snape reddens  
and shakes his head vigorously.... He can be heard muttering dark phrases such as "How the hell  
did the hat know?!"..... McGonagall finally starts reading the list shakily, but halfway through the   
Sorting, Snape gets up on his chair and screams "I WEAR PLAID BOXERS!", and proceeds to run  
out of the Great Hall sobbing... This causes the Sorting Hat to scream "YEAH WHATEVER MR. SPANDEX!!"  
after him, while being worn by "Mows, Mick" and causing the poor kid to go deaf. Dumbledore, on  
request by Snape, fires the Sorting Hat and appoints Neville's gran's hat to take over the job.*  
  
~~~~~  
A/N Oddness...... Review, please! As always, I own nothin, and I'm DAMN PROUD OF IT! Heh heh...  
byeeeeee!!! 


	2. Eww, I ain't puttin that one my head!

Gross...  
  
~~~~~  
You may not think I'm pretty  
It's safe to judge by what you see  
Because, I am downright disgusting  
Here is my history:  
I am the Hogwarts Sorting Hat  
Yessir, I'm very old  
I spend time in the attic  
I'm beginning to mold.  
Gryffindor used to wear me  
Yep, he had long, oily hair  
In fact, he never took me off!  
I think his lice and dandruff is still there...  
Once, I got blown off his head  
A dog took me and tore me apart  
His teeth were drooly and yellow!  
His breath smelled like a fart!  
Finally, he dropped me in the swamp  
The filthy, flea-ridden bum  
I decayed in there for several days  
Floating merrily in the scum *everyone looks disgusted*  
But Gryffindor, he found me there  
And made me into what you see  
(He wasn't good with a needle,  
He bled all over me!) *people eye reddish-brown stains*  
After centuries of rotting  
I became disgustingly ghastly  
So, come on, put me on your head!  
Even though I'm downright nasty!  
*A few Hufflepuffs clap halfheartedly a couple times. Hagrid has to force "Applebee, Abigail" to  
put the hat on. When the first years try to run away, Hagrid resorts to chaining them to the hat and  
stool. All sorted students, 1st-7th years, start nervously patting their heads. A few take out combs  
and start using them. After the hasty feast (no one really has an appetite by now), everyone takes  
a long, hot shower, washing their hair at least twice. Even Snape! {Heavens open and angels start  
to sing} Snape: Awwwww, shut up!!! {throws shoe @ angels, causing them to stop} Dumbledore  
takes the next day off to take the Sorting Hat to the dry cleaner's.*  
  
~~~~~  
A/N Absolutely sickening. *grins evilly* As in last chapter, I own nothing. What, you think I bought the  
rights to Harry Potter from Warner Brothers while you reviewed/flamed the last chapter? You must  
be crazy. ME TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! That said, review puh-lease! There is another one,  
but I haven't typed it yet. I'm workin on it, I'm workin on it!!!  
  
And I wouldn't wear the Sorting Hat for anything!!! I mean, think of who's worn it! And how old it is!  
And I mean, there's no telling what it went through when Gryffindor owned it! I mean, ya know those  
boys who like obsess over their hats and wear them through ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING?!?  
My point exactly! And why does it have so manmy patches and stains anyway? I'll just sort myself  
into Gryffindor, because I know the Sorting Hat wouldn't be able to choose between Gryffindor and  
Slytherin with me, so, as to pervent myself from turning ENTIRELY evil, which, deep inside I know is   
wrong O_~, I'd go to Gryffindor.... I think about this too much. Must go! Byeeee!!! And remember  
what I said in last paragraph: MONKEYS SHALL CONSUME YOUR UNDERWEAR!!! I mean, uh, I didn't  
say that, what I MEANT to say was review!!! Plllllleeeeeeeeeease??? And long live ACHOO!!!  



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